I recently participated in a conversation with some woeful women regarding the stressful process of buying their mans a present. The conversation escalated into a heated debate which posed the question, “Are men or women easier to buy presents for?” As I assume you are a straight white male reading this blog, let me just say that this is absolutely preposterous, right? I could give my mom Cleopatra’s crown and she would try to return it to Kohl’s in exchange for an air frier. “What about flowers?”, they ask, pretending as if their precise preferences don’t change on an hourly basis. I could get a dozen of the finest roses this side of the Mason-Dixon Line only for her to be in a “color blue phase”. Chocolates? She’s on a diet. Jewelry? Impossible to know her taste. All this being said, the following list acted as my rebuttal to their churlish claims and their despicable declarations. A list of items that profoundly prove that your average male is the easiest demographic on the planet to shop for.
1. Batteries
Yes, I am 100% serious, and every guy reading this right now will agree wholeheartedly. Ladies, keep your lilies and lockets, I’ll be fine with an 8 pack of Duracells to charge my remote control. I know it sounds dumb, but have you ever been around an adult man during football season? I’m pretty sure I’ve had to be reminded to eat, drink, and breathe on certain NFL Sundays. We sit like apathetic robots, staring blankly at a screen, showing absolutely zero signs of being capable of passing 4th grade English. Do you think we care about our clothes, our food, or God forbid the shrubbery within our cave? Absolutely not; we sit in our boxers and eat ramen noodles off of a desk chair while we zone out of life for 8 hours. Give me batteries over any common or expensive gift everyday of the week.
2. Plain White T’s
The most versatile item of clothing on the market, not the band from i Carly, are a great gifting option when shopping for your man. An undershirt, a sleeping shirt, something to work out in, a Sunday conversation starter when there’s more stains than white. Thats the kind of value you’re getting here. Catch your boy nippin on a humid summer day, wear it around your head like a turban, there’s just so many options for an item that you can get at Walmart 8 for $8.
3. Weed/ Booze
I know gifts are supposed to be special and material, but there’s about a 5% chance any dude cares about whatever you give him after a week. Mosey on down to your local plug and give him a good night. Maybe put on Blue Planet II for him so he doesn’t have to stand up to get the remote. It’s the little things in life. If your mans isn’t a smoker get him some hooch. A nice batch of riot punch so he can forget (again) whatever he’s supposed to be celebrating.
Pardon My French 