I currently have seven and a half illegitimate children. I have not been involved in any part of their lives whatsoever. However, if I had stuck around for some of them – or even one of them – here is what I would’ve done:
1. Get them addicted to crystal meth
I went to high school with some impressive people. One kid was overqualified in every way imaginable. He was valedictorian, an eagle scout, was captain of the Cross-Country team, Treasurer of the Student Council, had top-notch ACT and SAT scores, and probably did about 10 other things I can’t think of. Despite all this, he couldn’t get into his dream college. The guy didn’t cross the box in the areas that matter: He was white, male, straight, and his parents were upper middle-class.
But… what if he had overcome a meth addiction???
This is what they would call: A GAMECHANGER. Now the colleges are sucking his dick and offering him full-ride scholarships. It’s a complete 180°.
From now on I’m going to start getting my kids addicted to crystal meth as soon as they stop breastfeeding. Their college essays will be two sentences long:
“My dad got me addicted to crystal meth when I was 8 months old. But I have overcome this and am going to graduate high school.”
This not only benefits my kids as they will be able to pick whatever school in the country they want to go to. It benefits my bank account as they will all be getting full-ride scholarships.
Bottom Line: If you don’t get your children addicted to meth, you are a terrible parent
2. Give them steroids at an early age
Aside from the olympics, the youngest age that any competitive sports league starts drug-testing its players is when they are in high school. That means you have about 10 years to get your kids absolutely juiced out of their fucking minds. They should already be comfortable with using needles due to the meth addiction. So injecting steroids can be an easy part of their daily routine. I enjoyed competing in sports as a kid, but the only time where I ever dominated was in 7th grade when I was put on the 6th grade “B” team in basketball. Trust me, dominating is way more fun than just being a scrappy role player. If you truly love your kids and want them to have the chance at dominating every sport out there, force them to take steroids twice a day from the ages of 4 – 13. Then have them go through an aggressive amount of detox right before high school so that they are still yoked, but also eligible to continue playing sports.
3. Make them wear a shock collar
Lets recap a little bit. Your children are crazy fucking meth-heads with roid rage. They are literally the scariest human beings on the planet. One of these fuckers would be impossible to control. But if you have several children? They’ll fucking kill you.
Before you start feeding them steroids and meth, make sure you have a shock collar surgically placed around their neck so that it can never come off. This way you can control them if they ever try to attack you or if they tell your wife that they’d like to help her out with the dishes (That’s the mother’s job. Let her take pride in it.) You always gotta be two-steps ahead in this world, and with the shock collar you’ll be playing 4D Siamese backgammon while your kids are playing checkers.
*Now I know what you’re thinking: “Some liberal hippy is gonna call CPS or the cops on me because they see my kid with a shock collar.” I got you covered. Just tell the hippy that your child has a severe eggnog allergy and the collar is made by Life Alert™
4. Learn how to induce vomiting
I’m not talking about pulling your own trigger. I’m talking about pulling your kid’s trigger. This is the best way to fully utilize the art of classical conditioning in training your child. For example, every time you catch your kid watching CNN, run in the room and make them throw-up. Eventually, they will assimilate CNN with vomiting, and will no longer have any inclination to poison their minds with fake news. This tactic can be used in pretty much any situation. It is without a doubt the most under-utilized parenting tactic that exists to date.
*Note: It can also be very helpful when getting your kids to detox from steroids and meth
5. Get them a teddy bear
Children love teddy bears. Psychologists say that children that sleep with a teddy bear feel 3 times safer at night than those that don’t. I still remember the teddy bear I used to sleep with as a child. Every time my bitch-ass thought there was a monster coming out of the closet I would snuggle with my teddy bear and feel safer (It was never a monster! Lol! It was just my uncle!) Some psychologists even say that children who snuggle with teddy bears become better prepared to share a bed with a spouse when they are older. Wow! Here is an example of a great teddy bear:
Pardon My French 