Thursday morning will mark the start of the biggest golf tournament in the world. If you’re a casual sports fan, you’ll be fascinated by it and probably watch for a couple hours on Sunday. If you’re a die-hard golf fan, you’ll ejaculate as soon as you hear Jim Nance say, “Hello Friends”

Regardless of how devoted you are to following golf, here’s what you should know about some of the golfers in the field:

The Favorites

Rory McIlroy (8/1 odds)

Rory is an Irish lad who has won 4 Major Championship Golf Tournaments in his career. The only Major Tournament he hasn’t won is the Masters. He recently won the 5th biggest tournament in golf (The Players Championship) and is the odds on favorite to win this weekend. Rory has said in a recent interview that he has become very focused on self-improvement lately and just finished reading “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday. He then went on a long rant about how he really isn’t obsessed about winning the Master’s, but the only thing that any plausible listener could take away from the rant is that Rory is batshit crazy obsessed with winning the Masters. Sounds like he’s fucked in the head right now. Golf is 99% mental. I give Rory no shot at winning the Masters.

Dustin Johnson (11/1 odds)

For those of you that don’t follow golf, DJ is famous for doing blow a lot with his wife, Paulina. If his caddy runs out of blow he’ll run out of steam on Sunday and lose. If his caddy keeps him stocked he’ll torch the rest of the field. However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, you can never have enough blow. Sorry DJ.

Justin Rose (14/1 odds)

He’s Britsh and weird. Fuck him.

Rickie Fowler (15/1 odds)

Rickie Fowler is a motocross star who plays golf sometimes. I think he’s got a damn good shot at taking this bitch home. Shred on dude.

Jordan Spieth (16/1 odds)

Jordan Spieth has played in the Masters 5 times. He has finished 2nd, 1st, 2nd, 11th, and 3rd. He’s only 25, and has the potential to dominate this course for another 20 years. He’s the smart bet.

Eldrick Woods (16/1 odds)

A former 4 star football recruit at Alabama, Woods flamed out by his Sophomore year. He had all the talent in the world, but was unable to overcome problems with drug abuse and hookers. However, Woods has parlayed his athletic ability into what is starting to look like a promising golf career. Would be an incredible story if this young man could pull off a victory this weekend.

The Dark Horses

Brooks Koepka (20/1 odds)

Koepka was the best golfer in the world in 2018, winning two major tournaments. He looked like Thanos on the course, exerting his superiority at will over the rest of the field. However, Koepka has not played well recently. His health has been the biggest concern, as he lost nearly 25 pounds trying to get a slimmer figure for the Sports Illustrated body issue where athletes model nude. It’s rumored that he’s been bulking aggressively the last few weeks, so we’ll see what kind of Brooks shows up to the course on Thursday.

Francesco Molinari (20/1 odds)

This little Italian fucker can golf. He is the defending champion of the British Open and was the MVP for the Europeans in the Ryder Cup. I’d be pissed if an Italian beat out the Americans this weekend, but as long as he’s not French who gives a fuck…

Haotong Li (125/1 odds)

He may be a robot. He was bred by Chinese aristocrats to be a golfer and has been programmed to do nothing else since the day he was conceived. Look out.

Vijay Singh (500/1 odds)

Vijay is the most famous golfer to ever come from the African island of Fiji. He’s into a lot of weird voodoo shit, so you just never know with this guy. Maybe his gods will lead him to victory. Or maybe he has sex with chickens for no reason. Only time will tell.