Allow me to preface this blog with a short story that serves as the motivation for this piece. Last summer I worked at a management office about an hour and a half away from home. My boss, the Controller of the company, picked me up for work every morning at 6am and dropped me off at 6pm every evening. He has a wife, two little girls, and a responsibility to manage an office of 40 middle-aged, single women whom would rather delete their eHarmony accounts than do anything productive. Throw in a conglomerate of superiors who depend on him to pick up their workload when they take the day off to go to the casino, and you can get a grasp as to the kind of life this poor man was living. Working like a dog, and getting treated like one, too. So one day, on the long commute to work, in an attempt to make casual conversation that could get his mind off of the hell he was living in, I asked him a simple question. What’s your favorite holiday? Pretty innocent, right? Maybe he mentions the joyous beers and football games associated with Thanksgiving. Maybe he entertains me with a heart-warming Christmas story about his two girls. Boy was I wrong. His favorite holiday? Labor Day. Let me repeat that… LABOR DAY. When I said his life was hell, even I didn’t think it was THAT bad. His explanation? “It’s the only day I get to myself. On Christmas I spend 10% of my paycheck, on Thanksgiving I have the kids, but on Labor Day, I am free.”
Wow. You should have heard the inflection in his voice talking about Labor Day. I’m convinced I could love someone for 25 years and not speak with as much raw emotion as he did. I couldn’t say another word the whole car ride, although that didn’t stop him from telling me to “not take it all for granted”, as if he was some sort of Vietnam War veteran, fighting in the concrete jungle. This man is 29, by the way. That’s right, he’s not a fifty year old accountant going through his second midlife crisis. He’s a man just a decade older than me, living a life that’s just worse than a death sentence. With that being said, let’s get on to my personal ranking of the holidays.
5. Fourth of July (Shout out Jason Pierre-Paul)
Finally, one full day of remarks that fall in the gray area between patriotic and obscenely racist. Even though Bradley, Brody, and Brylee will most definitely celebrate Cinco de Mayo (margs and sombreros, talk about a movie), their one-sixteenth Hispanic friend is NOT invited to this binge-drinking bash for America. Why would he have any reason to celebrate the holiday that originated from overcoming oppression and mistreatment? Bikinis, Bratwursts, Barbarians. Now THAT’S America. (Side note: BACK UP TERRY!)
4. Christmas
First, let’s talk about some of my favorite Christmas movie scenes.
- The first half of Christmas Carol. Absolutely love Scrooge. Get the fuck off my lawn Tiny Tim, my drinking problem isn’t gonna fix your legs.
- Frosty the Snowman, but only the part where he melts. It’s about time we toughen up the youth.
- The Christmas Story, just because I love giving eight-year-olds guns. Take that, libs.
- Finally, the best Christmas movie of all time, Home Alone 2. No satire here, that movie actually fucking slaps.
Second, this song:
I played this song for my Mom last year and she took away my Xbox. Worth it.
Other than that, Christmas pretty much blows. Nobody knows what to get you when your Christmas list just says “Pay my Bookie”. If Grandma really wanted to give me a good Christmas she’d support my gambling addiction. The only good part about Christmas last year was when she wrapped my brother’s presents in 3 inches of masking tape, then made him open it while wearing oven mitts. After fifteen minutes he was dripping in sweat, holding two York Peppermint Patties and a Silver Dollar. (I can’t wait til that Septuagenarian Savage joins the blog.)
3. Memorial Day
They’re called troops, ever heard of em? Even though the American Legion wouldn’t reward the heroism I showed on Call of Duty 4 with a free breakfast (fuck them), the day of the troops serves receives the bronze medal for holidays.
2. Arbor Day
The Nebraska Special. Originated from the state that brought you absolutely nothing except a college football fan-base more delusional than Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman combined, Arbor Day receives runner-up honors. Disagree? Why don’t you try planting a tree with your local rejects serving community service, then get back to me.
1. National Boyfriend/Girlfriend Day
As I’m sure most of you guessed, National BF/GF Day, aka the best 5 days of every year, comes in at number one. I mean come on, who doesn’t love getting their social media feeds blitzed with adoring adolescents. Does it matter that they cheated on each other, or that they have more dead grandparents than anniversaries? NO. If you’re hating on the best day of the year, it’s probably because you’re jealous… and ugly. Let lovers be lovers, even if it’s mutual statutory rape. If Carlee and Aiden can make it through that Homecoming football loss, they can definitely make it through the mild struggles that come after the age of 16.
Pardon My French 