Disclaimer: Welcome to the only blogger that has legitimate writing experience. Indolentthreat’s smooth prose and fish grease takes will bring masses to this shitty blog (which by the way has about 4 other variations on the internet, dumbass should have picked a more original name). As worked out in my contract, I now own 1% of this website (other bloggers learn how to negotiate) upon its incorporation (not personally liable). When we sell this bad boy for $125 in 3 months catch me basking in my McChicken with glory. I will also be editing others’ blogs who don’t know how to use spellcheck.
Now to the main point: Chipotle, and how you should act in this temple. Nothing is more annoying than the person that doesn’t know how a Chipotle Mexican Grill operates. God’s beautiful creation should be cherished as it nurtures our hangovers and ruins our colons. Below are a few characters that are worse than farting in an elevator, talking with your mouth full, or telling a Jewish person about studying abroad in Palestine.
For reference, I have tried everything on Chipotle’s menu, from both types of margs to every single $14 Nawtuckett Nector. My standard order is as follows:
Burrito (Bowl if I get chips on side)
Extra Brown Rice (more flavor)
Half Pinto Beans
Fajitas
Whatever Meat looks the freshest, besides sofritas. (Yes I have tried them and they aren’t that bad, I just think the texture is whack.)
Half Mild Salsa
Half Hot Salsa
Extra Corn Salsa (no joke the most underrated thing on the menu, I would eat this shit plain if I didn’t get school shooter stereotyped for doing it)
Sour Cream
Cheese
Guac (Bowl Only)
Drink: Water Cup with whatever I’m feeling. I never feel bad about doing this at a chain. On average the liquid itself costs about 5-10 cents more per 8oz (since they are already giving you the lid, straw, and cup for water) so sue me for stealing 10 cents from the man.
The Newby:
The person that has never been to the place before. I’m all for people trying new things, but if you’ve never been to Chipotle at this point, honestly, fuck off. These are your standard “ask what’s in everything guy.” Yes, the rice has cilantro in it, wtf do you think the green stuff is? These people are often encompassed in other categories, like asking for “Pico”. Honey, we’re in a Chipotle Mexican Grill, that is “Mild Salsa”. While we are on the topic, yes Guacamole is extra. Yes its dumb, but its 2 fucking dollars and it makes your order that much better (in a future blog we will investigate what makes Chipotle Guac taste better than any Guac out there but basically the put a shit load more cilantro than most people). Lastly, there should be a subcategory for people that ask to sample the food. The absolute only time this is acceptable is during testing periods of new items (such as queso, chorizo, etc.). These people are 11 times out of 10 whiter than a NRA lobbyist complaining about table pepper being “too spicy”. If you are scared about the spiciness of Chipotle, then we have bigger problems. The lack of spice in the menu is probably my only complaint with the place, but moving on.
The Multi-Order Guy:
This is literally what the online ordering system was made for. If you are ordering more than two (2) orders at once (3 if its not busy) and there is someone behind you… let them go ahead. I once watched a lady order 3 fucking burritos and 4 bowls at once while being a relative Newby. This combination brought the Henry Ford inspired assembly line to a screeching halt as Nancy wanted extra “Barb-o-coda” on three of her orders.
The mix it up:
Again, this is another tactic that was once offered by Chipotle that no longer exists because these people are satanic and don’t belong in their restaurant (also for a company that has had its issues with food safety, this can be an issue). Basically this is someone who requests the employees to take their finished masterpiece and put it in a separate bowl to “mix up” their ingredients. This isn’t a fucking chopped salad place. If you want it mixed up go to ShitDoba or get a bowl with a lid and do it yourself.
The Oliver Twist:
Last but not least, the worst by far: Oliver Twist. This is the gym bro that comes in wearing a sleeveless graphic tee, clutching his half consumed blender bottle filled with what looks to be male ejaculate. Still in a full sweat, Braydon has the audacity to ask the employee to add “just a little more” steak to his bowl. IF YOU WANT MORE THAT’S WHAT DOUBLE MEAT IS FOR. I personally am not a double meat guy, but the people that are understand that when you ask for double meat, they put way, way more than double meat on there.
TL/DR: Be a normal guy at Chipotle Mexican Grill
Pardon My French 