This blog goes out to all the fellas out there who are tired of being dicked on by the Brads and Chads of campus. Now I know, their inability to take no for an answer and resounding resilience after going 0/60 in “You up” texts obviously means they have absolute jackhammers for dicks, but I promise you that after reading this blog you will have everything you need to take down these Seraphic Saints.
First, let’s work on that wardrobe. If you think you’re gonna pick up any bodacious babes without a pair of Timbs and a snapback you are sorely misinformed. Complement that deadly duo with a DEEP V-neck and a Patagonia sweater and you’ll be pinky deep in a “pretty hot freshman” in no time. Bonus points if you wear Oakleys that match the Apple watch your Dad gave you for your half-birthday.
Next we’re gonna rework your personality, and by rework I mean completely eliminate any signs of being a genuine person. When someone asks what you’re like, booze needs to be mentioned within five words of describing you. Legend has it that one man managed to simplify his personality to just “Beer, Dick, Money.” Holy fuck I cant imagine the quantity of poon he was pulling. How do you accomplish such a feat, you ask? Pretty easy. Simply snapchat yourself lip-syncing Drake and slugging brews until the ladies show up at your door. Bonus points if you can mange to send five snaps in an hour without drinking more than half a beer.If nobody’s watching, whats the point of drinking? Take a look at the young lads below, for example.
I don’t know about you guys but I haven’t been that close to premature ejaculation since I saw Kate Winslet’s tits watching Titanic in 8th grade. When this sqaud rolls up to the SAE party you better clear the fuck out cuz they’re gonna HOUSE your beer and FINGERBANG your freshman. PS those are some sick fucking beanies.
Finally, we move on to the intangibles. Much like my last blog this will be a crapshoot of random shit I think of, so buckle in.
- Buy a red Ford Mustang and peel the fuck out ALL the time. Driveways, parking lots, stoplights, hell, peel out of your grandmas funeral; would you rather show your respects for a woman who loved you unconditionally or be dripping in pussy? Pretty easy question if you ask me.
- Make a fitness Instagram. No brainer here. There’s only two rules to follow, (1) never do a set off camera and, (2) never EVER do legs.
- Own and operate a subpar blog. Just saying, I made this thing yesterday and two (2) girls with boyfriends basically pretty much asked me to fuck them.
Pardon My French 